Oh Koh Lanta, Get Off My Jungle Gym

And Koh Lanta Volleyball Nets Attack!

Some of the content in this blog entry may not be suitable for immature people like graduates of the University of Missouri Rolla or any New Mexican institution of “higher learning”, and small children

Travellers United

One half of our traveling crew had been absent for the last 15 days, whose really counting though, but now we are a complete travelling squad of two again. We are in Koh Phi Phi Don, Thailand, home to clear water, filming site of the movie The Beach, and the spot of a direct hit by the Christmas Day Tsunami in 2004. We are heading back to the mainland to see if we can actually manage to leave beautiful southern Thailand and continue north. That remains doubtful.

I pace around Krabi International Airport glancing anxiously out the terminal windows hoping to see the arrival of that Air Asia flight from Bangkok. I hoped it would land early, but that stupid plane actually arrived on time. I sat and stared intensely for that familiar face to appear through the departure gate. Where the heck was she? Finally, I recognized a pair of orange pants. But what was that touristy long sleeve shirt??? Doesn’t she know it’s hot in Thailand? It had only been two weeks back in the States. She then passed the doors into baggage claim. Now only a glass partition and a single security guard separated us. We were held back like two 6 year olds perched up on hidden stairs at Christmas with the real life Santa Claus unexpectedly delivering presents just feet away. Ten minutes later, we greeted each other with a cordial handshake. Yeah right, we were in each others arms. The axiom “absence makes the heart grow fonder” was so true. We sat in the air-conditioned airport and talked about everything for a long time after all the other passengers already left. My real concern, did she have the goods from the United States? She slipped me a Dr. Pepper she smuggled through customs in Japan. A smuggled Dr. Pepper. Smuggled Dr. Pepper is even sweeter! She also brought me an extra pair of underwear from home for some reason. I guess two pairs of drawers weren’t doing the trick. I can now proudly proclaim that I now have three pairs of skivvies from the remaining part of our travels. We spent the rest of the day talking like it had been years since we last saw each other. Enough of that sappy stuff, let’s get to the funny stuff.

Oh Koh Lanta

Our remaining time in Krabi was short and uneventful other than Nadine buying a bright blue contact lenses case with palm trees on the front and getting passport photos for future visas in the next couple of months. Once she recovered from 48 hours of air travel and jet lag, we boarded a mini-van towards Koh Lanta. The name of the island rhymes with Mylanta and hopefully that would be the extent of coincidences.

While in Koh Lanta, we walked the massive expanse of beach ringing most of the island. Along the way, we noticed the beautiful green distant islands jutting out of the Andaman Sea, quaint little bungalows, and an overabundance of Thai massage parlors sitting idyllically on the beach. What a great idea! How about a little massage before dinner? That is when life turned upside down into a bone stretching series of hilarious events.

A Relaxing Thai Massage

Prior to our trip, Nadine’s Godmother Laura strongly encouraged her to get a massage while in Thailand. We followed her advice. We excitedly bounced up to the first massage parlor eager for the next relaxing hour. Lying on massage tables next to each, both of our Thai masseuse squeezed our calves and steadily made their way up our legs. Eventually they arrived to our crotches (this isn’t going where you think it’s going), placed both of their hands around our crotches, and forcefully placed all of their weight and pushed. That’s the point you think to yourself, does she realize my wife is right there? Then you glance over, and the other masseuse is doing the same procedure. This might be a move unique to Thailand and their culture, but this is pretty darn entertaining. Not to make anyone feel uncomfortable, my masseuse placed my legs into what we call the “WWF figure four position.” She gouged the space between my shins and the meat of my calves with her elbows. I would describe this part of the massage as stressful, not like a police standoff, but more like I thought this $5 massage would be relaxing. Not me wanting another massage from someone different massage. It could be I am just not that culturally sensitive and aware.

After she adequately worked over my lower legs, it was time to “massage” the rest of my body. Again, to insure total relaxation, she began walking up and down the back of my legs in a marching fashion. 1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4. I can only imagine what she was thinking, “he’s a pretty tall guy, let me see what I can get away with here. Hmmm, how about walking on his legs. No squirming, good. This will be fun.” After that, she pulled my legs up like a pretzel around her torso and then began walking with her knees up my spine. Relaxation at its finest! I also never knew I could be that flexible. Thanks Thai massage!

To thoroughly complete the one hour massage, she forcefully turned me over and stuck her fingers in my ears. It was like I was paying for a wet willy. The last step required her to karate chop my head like a coconut. By the time it was over, there was an awesome bright orange sunset laughing at us. Strangely enough, I did feel relaxed. On our walk back down the beach to dinner, we laughed at the way Mike Tyson beat us up in short Thai woman’s body. My masseuse crawled all over me like I was her own personal American jungle gym. Five dollars please!

Scooting Around on Local Transport

For transportation needs around the island of Koh Lanta, we rented a brand spanking new Honda scooter. It came complete with helmet, 2 non-bald tires, and a little bell to frighten other tourists on bicycles. We spent the entire day on our scooter traversing the island. In typical American fashion that night, rather than actually walking down the beach to a restaurant, we jumped on our hog. The major afternoon rain forced us off the main dirt, now turned muddy with hidden puddles road through town. We smoothly scooted down the beach. Just as quickly as the speedometer hit 20 mph, we found another hazard. Directly in front of us on our night beach ride was a volleyball net! I slammed on the breaks and we slid into it. Mind you, this transpired in front of a busy restaurant and added to their original dinner entertainment, but heck, it was free. At that point, we decided it may be better to just eat back at the hotel. There, we wouldn’t have to explain incessantly why we had a checkered imprint of a net across our faces.

Four Islands Tour

Our last full day on island. We safely distanced ourselves from the dangers of Koh Lanta. Our snorkel involved traveling the Andaman Sea to four islands on a tour creatively named the “Four Islands Tour.” Clever. We snorkeled among thousands of fish and starfish. Starfish are the Al Bundy of the sea. They aren’t that active, they just lay there on the couch watching snorkelers swim by. They don’t put a fight, but they don’t hide either. Well, that is until some ornery tourist decides to turn them upside down. Finally called to action, the starfish reluctantly turn themselves back over. Until another group of snorkeling tourists turn them back over and the cycle starts again. But I promise it wasn’t me starting the cycle though. Someone else.

The highlight of this tour was Emerald Cave. No emeralds for sell, but a cave that requires you to swim under the island for a hundred years in complete darkness until you come out the other end. A small, white sand beach surrounded by towering limestone walls greets the newcomer at the other end. Very unique and worth the trip.

Do You Need to Koh Phi Phi?

After a great time on Koh Lanta, we jumped on a ferry to Koh Phi Phi Don. It’s pronounced like Co Pee Pee. Insert joke here. Koh Phi Phi is actually the site of two famous events. The first was that the 2000 movie The Beach filmed on Koh Phi Phi Lei on a, you guessed it, big, beautiful Thai beach. The place is as stunning as the movie portrays it. The second event was the Christmas Day Tsunami that ripped through leaving hundreds dead, thousands displaced, and millions of dollars in damage.

*** Here is a recent article by the BBC about toll on Maya Beach from all of the tourists ***

The islands of Koh Phi Phi are regarded as one of the biggest tourists attractions in all of Thailand. We were a little hesitant to visit this area with the tsunami and constant deluge of year round tourists. Upon arrival, the number of tourists were far more than we even expected. We suspect that there are more “farang” (foreigners) than locals during high season. We soon found out why so many people come here. The superb inhabited island of Koh Phi Phi Don provides great views at View Point along with incredible snorkeling. The uninhabited island of Koh Phi Phi Lei (site of The Beach) is still more alluring with even better snorkeling sites and photo ops.

Now, life is still good and our prayers continually go towards all family and friends back home and all people that we meet along the way. We are soon hoping to move north in this great country of Thailand. Fingers crossed.

Last week’s question of the week was correctly answered by Hermano Domingo, the longest current reign in His Majesty King Bhumibol Adulyadaj of Thailand.

This week’s question is not as easy, like those New Mexicans who can just look it up on wikipedia. A little imagination here.

If you were going to name our trip after a famous movie, which movie would it be and why? Or would you give it its own separate title?

JW