Kunming to Frigid China

One Last Screw Over Please Vietnam

Previously, the exact dimensions of a Vietnamese suit delayed our arrival to Kunming in the world’s most populous country, China. The first suit measurements fit me Vietnamese style, aka, super tight. The second consultation with the tailor for a tall man in fine English wool stitching pressured the slight, short, but fierce Vietnamese seamstress. She met the challenge head on and had it ready right at 2:00. I tried it on and didn’t sing soprano. Happy with the fit, I paid and left directly to the post office where I mailed it to the United States. Hope it makes it back before me in Easter.

By the end, Vietnam had exhausted our patience in many ways. A change of country and culture were welcomed, maybe even needed. An overnight train effortlessly traveled to the Vietnamese town of Lao Cai on the Chinese border. On the tracks of the train station, we happily, no, eagerly, took a moto-taxi towards the Chinese border.

A six dollar exchange of Vietnamese dong for Chinese yuan with a Vietnamese money changer adequately bookended our time in Vietnam. I received what I thought would be a fair exchange. Across from the Red River in the Chinese border town of Hekou, I tried to buy a snack in the store for six yuan.

“Not enough,” he grunted.

Come to find out, the money changer had given me the Chinese equivalent of 45 cents. Fifty cent bills are smaller and have the number five on them, just like the larger, more valuable yuan bills. Even at the end of our time in Vietnam, they still found a way to screw us over in China. But what a relief to be out of the country for $5.

Bus Inhalation

Kunming was the first destination in China, just a short 12 hour bus ride from the border. Mind you, China is big, even bigger than the great state of Texas. All those short distances on a map are still very far away.

To our surprise, we learned on the bus ride it was snowing in Kunming. What?!? This was supposed to be the best time to visit this country. Stupid random weather.

On the bus ride, we equally caught head colds. Everything is 50/50 with us, except in pregnancy. Nadine gets to carry the baby the entire nine months. The bus introduced some new, unexpected Chinese customs too, like hawking up big loogies and incessant smoking. And I think these customs contributed to our colds since our heads were protruding out the windows in the frigid wind to avoid smoke inhalation and spit spray.

Spittoons Are For Losers

Only one week in Kunming, unlike most of the world, it’s not uncouth to sit in church and hawk up big ol’ loogies during the sermon. That’s just as common as yawning. If you have phlegm or air pollution clogging up your throat, there’s no reason to hold back.

This isn’t just a little spit either. Any observer within a 5o meter radius knows it’s coming. This guttural process vehemently starts deep in their bellies and finishes up with a boisterous hhkkkkssssss five seconds later. And for some reason, this is just an appetite killer.

Nadine and I are the only ones that immediately turn our heads when an elderly woman starts her own loogie process. That perplexed “how-did-the-bears-make-the-Super-Bowl-with-that-quarterback” confused look crosses our faces.

That is why we travel, to learn and experience from different cultures, and incorporate it into our lives. For that very reason, we now spit loogies like pros on every bus we ride.

Heat Is Also For Losers

We’ve come to learn that Kunming is two things, cold and clean. We’ve enjoyed it all the same. Plus it wasn’t Vietnam.

A nice hotel helped nurse us back to health. The rooms lacked one vital thing, heating. Instead of centralized heating, heated mats lined the bed. Not the most convenient, but functional. In the room, we could only be found under the covers of our separate twin beds. After three long years of marriage, we’re already sleeping in separate beds. Sad.

Don’t Hurt ‘Em French Hammer

Everyone in China seems to notice one thing when they pass, Nadine’s Hammer pants. Not a single glance towards me or Nadine’s face, their eyes immediately turn to her Vietnamese black and white pregnant Hammer pants.

One evening while watching Chinese t.v. and Nadine was fast asleep, I heard something common, her sleep talking. Yet this time, it wasn’t in English, but French! This is all after spending a short stint on a bus and dinner at a cafe next to an older French man, and now, miraculously, she is speaking fluently French. Maybe she has been holding out with her French skills. “Jean, ta souffle pue”.

Talk About Losers, The Chicago Bears

There were some modern, clean, interesting sights in Kunming, but those aren’t as interesting as the individual little stories. Rather than museums and parks, we watched the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl is the one sporting event, for me, is a must see. The Special Olympics in New Mexico and synchronized swimming come in a close second, especially when your good friends are competing in Albuquerque, but the Super Bowl still is #1. For four days, I had seriously looked for places to watch the game, but to no avail. I figured I’d just try my luck with Chinese cable, but at 6 a.m. Monday morning, but no luck. At 8 a.m., just for the heck of it, I turned on the t.v. again, when miraculously, the Super Bowl was on . . . in Chinese. And the Bears up 14-9. Didn’t last long just like anything good with the Chicago Bears and New Mexico. I sat contentedly with a heated mat under my butt. Super Bowl commercials were replaced with views of the entire stadium.

Breaking Down Chinese Air Traffic

The thought of 24 hours of long bus rides locked in chambers of spit and smoke to Guilin was less than appealing. We broke down and bought a plane ticket. The one hour plane flight eliminated our exposure to Chinese viruses.

At Guilin baggage claim, something that would never happen in the U.S. happened. We stood waiting patiently for our packs to come off the plane. After eight minutes, and just a handful of us from this flight, there was no sign of anyone’s luggage. An impatient Chinese man, and likely not a fan of long Communist parades on public tv, decided to take control. He stepped up on the conveyor belt, poked his head through the miniature door, facing out onto the tarmac. Then with a look of agitation, he climbed through the hole and onto the tarmac marching directly towards the plane. He was on a mission to wrangle back control of his suitcase. It was at this point, with a disbelieving look and purely entertained grin on my face, a female airline employee, accompanied by a guard with a gun slung over his shoulder, chased him demanding his return to baggage claim. And like a kid with his Christmas presents taken away, he begrudgingly came back. Within a couple of minutes, all twelve bags emerged onto the carousel. And guess who sat next to me on the airport shuttle to Guilin. Yep, the same guy who ran onto the runway. I had so many questions and jokes for this man, that I couldn’t ask.

Things Aren’t Very Clear

With only a single day in Guilin, we walked to every climbable park with a hill. The only downside about this was the combination of fog, pollution, and cloud cover combination that made it impossible to see any real distance or sights. It might have been a river or a building we saw, but not sure really.

Finally in Yangshuo there are only nine days left in China before a long haul flight to South Africa, and a big change in the way we travel, compared to the previous five months. Time to think about buying a South Africa guide, could prove helpful.

Life is good and we hope all are doing well and getting excited for either Valentine’s Day or the Chinese New Year.