Uncle Ho, Those Rice Paddies Are Way Too Green!

Howdy y’all from a cloudy Hanoi, Vietnam. The past week and a half has been a Vietnamese kaleidoscope that presented the best and worst of Halong Bay and what northern Vietnam has to offer. From the congested northern Vietnam capital of Hanoi to the reprieve that is Halong Bay. We lazily floated by hundreds of uninhabited Vietnamese islands. This visit ended with a fancy new suit in Hanoi.

“You Want Clothes?”

From Jungle Beach, we traveled north to a city along the skinny, Slim-Fast mid-section of Vietnam, Hoi An. It’s renowned for retaining its’ culture and historical architecture, AND, and this is a big AND, as a place to have suits and dresses tailored made to your exact specifications.

Basically you can’t walk anywhere without being approached by those three magic words, “you want clothes?” Nadine and I thought about having some clothes made in Hoi An, but since we planned on staying in Hanoi a little longer, we decided that I should have a suit made there. Hope this suits you to read about it a bit later.

Looking So Portly

Several centuries ago, Hoi An was popular as being a major port in Asia. Trading took place all over Asia and as far as Europe, but then Hoi An was replaced by a more attractive port. This other port must have worn a little nicer makeup and heels. But the houses and architecture of old town Hoi An would have all been torn down and replaced if not for the help of our good buddy, tourism. Hoi An has been protected by the surge of tourism and is now recognized as a World Heritage Site. Thank you tourism.

Did Uncle Ho Not Name Anything After Himself?

With our time quickly slipping away in Asia, a 16 hour train took us further north to the cool capital city of Hanoi. H-A-N-O-I has the same letters in its spelling as H-O-I A-N, but different spelling. Same same but different (very popular t-shirt slogan all over SEA).

Like the rest of Vietnam, Hanoi is a mix of delight and frustration. We took advantage of the Ho Chi Minh Mausoleum, the Ho Chi Minh Museum, the Ho Chi Minh communism, in addition to Ho Chi Minh ice cream shakes and Ho Chi Minh miniature dolls. Anything Ho Chi Minh, you might be able to find it here in Vietnam. Maybe even a city named after the guy. This guy didn’t have any self aggrandizement issues did he?

Actually over at the Ho Chi Minh Mausoleum, they have the founder of Vietnam’s Communist Party in a large mausoleum on show nine months out of the year. Our arrival in Hanoi just happened to coincide with the three months when his body is sent to Russia for upkeep. You know, fix any leaks and old patches of Ho Chi Minh’s body that might be deteriorating. In reality, Ho Chi Minh really wanted to be cremated. Sorry about that Uncle Ho, but everyone wants to see you in Vietnam.

Poop!

We’ve arrived at a stage in this around the world trip where travelers fatigue has set in. It’s a result of constant, daily hassle to buy t-shirts, fruit, suits, books, small children, belly button lent, mototaxis, random pieces of paper, sweet bread or that same souvenir that is offered to you by every other store you’ve passed in the last 30 seconds. You do try and walk down the street and keep your composure while smiling and saying “no thank you” and continue on your way. With Nadine’s famous psychology degree in hand, she has helped us create a few coping strategies. One of the more interesting ones we have for moto taxis is that when they yell “Mototaxi,” we respond with “poop.” Simple as that. We just say “poop.” That baffles them long enough for a getaway giggling like small children.

An Inside Job

Unlike any other country in the past seven months, we’ve had to constantly be on guard dealing with locals. Automatically prices increase by 400%. Consequently, the bargaining process begins until its back down to a normal price range. On a normal short trip, it wouldn’t be much of a pain, but traveling on a budget, it’s a hourly headache. Now combine this while dodging mototaxis. That is why the calm of Halong Bay was eagerly welcomed.

Vietnamese Observations

Before we regal you with incredible Halong Bay, let me enlighten you with some interesting facts about Vietnamese daily life. No matter where you find yourself in this country, there are rice paddies that are a green’s green, proud of their chlorophyl and not afraid to show it off. Green rice paddies substitute for front yards.

“Ok kids, go play with your friends in the rice paddies, don’t step on the rice though. That’s your supper for the spring. Have fun!”

Keep in mind that we’ve never been to Ireland, and it’s supposed to be quite green there, but this is the same green I imagine a leprechaun eating Lucky Charms in Ireland. Reminds me of a young 10 year old Texan after he returned from Minnesota one summer, this place is way too green.

A Date With A New Mexican

What do Vietnamese women taking public transportation and any female on a first date with a New Mexican twin have in common? They always get sick on the way there. Really, in every bus and train there is always at least one Vietnamese woman throwing up in a plastic bag and always chose the seat closest to us. Maybe it’s not the public transportation, but rather our stink.

Hold On, Halong Bay

Back to Halong Bay. Halong Bay is a spot where hundreds upon hundreds of islands randomly jut out of the sea making an impressive show for anyone lucky enough to pass by on a junk boat. The intention was visit on our own. Jump on a bus, far away from the crowds and hassle of Hanoi to the peace and tranquility of Halong City, which serves at port of departure to the islands.

With a free afternoon, I wondered into a casino with $11 in hand and Nadine’s chagrin etched in my mind. Now if I lost a couple dollars, I would join Nadine for a walk back along the boardwalk, but if not, there would be two cans of Coke for dinner. When Nadine noticed I hadn’t walked out with my head down for almost an hour, she knew that I hadn’t played yet or I was winning. It was the latter. By the time I was done, I walked away from the Roulette table with $55, a small traveling fortune. Also a perfect way to pay for our two day, one night tour of Halong Bay.

The following morning a warm sun greeted the world. No one pushed small children or t-shirts on us to buy. Great start to the day. Several guides bought and sold us. At the wharf, in apparently what was the guides own version of the stock exchange, they directed us to hop from one boat to another boat until we set foot on the correct one. For the rest of the afternoon and evening, without any real knowledge where the boat headed, we peacefully cruised along Halong Bay in a chair admiring all of the beautiful vistas. That helped our travelers fatigue.

In addition, a jovial group of people were on board. This included two older couples from Quebec and some German, English, Australian, and Chinese travelers. That night, after kayaking and dinner, seated calmly around a table, we learned a German card game, Scheiße. It only seemed fair to teach them the American college version of Arschloch. Both games were a hit.

Back To The Grind

After the retreat from big city Vietnam, we’re back to Hanoi waiting for a suit to be completed. It was supposed to already have been sewn together, but after a fitting in the store in front of everyone, i.e. no dressing room, everything needed a little adjusting. First of all, the pants were more like a European fit and better adjusted for a workout at the gym, and one sudden bending over would be fatal in a social situation, even a New Mexican wedding.

Secondly, the shoulders and back were too tight as I felt like Chris Farley as a fat guy in a little coat. The pants weren’t long enough though. Suits in Vietnam seem to be fitted to specifications of a man half my size and attempting to lure the opposite sex. The result was a suit with a bad fit and a bit tight all over. Thus, a suit delayed our visit to China and a date with the Mao dynasty.

But life is good, yet we are ready to exit Asia and head further southwest over to Africa.

As long as a particular suit cooperates, we will be heading to China soon for two weeks, before catching a plane from Hong Kong to South Africa in February.

Stay classy readers!

JW